I Miss You and I'm So Sorry
by fallwithakiss
Summary: Shane makes a mistake that costs him Reed. Without Reed by his side, Shane can't find the will to live. CP Coulter's Dalton!Verse. TRIGGER WARNINGS INSIDE.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: I can't believe I wrote this. It was absolutely heartbreaking. **

***I own nothing***

**MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS: DO NOT READ IF CUTTING OR SUICIDE IS A TRIGGER FOR YOU.**

Shane staggered out of Micah's hotel and onto the street, walking with a slight limp. His head was pounding and the cold rain felt good on his clammy skin. The dancer wasn't drunk, no. He was one hundred percent sober, which just made it so much harder for him to live with his actions.

The unceasing rain pounded against the pavement, drenching Shane to the bone. He wanted nothing more than to take off down the street, to run and never stop. His entire being was filled with hatred for himself and he didn't know how he could live with himself much longer.

Tears mixed with rain as Shane ducked under the awning and pulled out his phone to text Reed and Blaine.

_To: Reed Van Kamp (9:27 pm)_

_I'm so sorry… I never wanted you to get hurt…_

_To: Blaine Anderson (9:30 pm) _

_I can't…_

Shane slunk down to the ground and buried his head in his knees until his phone buzzed a couple minutes later.

_From: Reed Van Kamp (9:32 pm) _

_Shane? What's wrong? What happened? Please, talk to me._

_From: Blaine Anderson (9:33 pm)_

_Shane, no. Not this again. Please. Shane, please. I can't lose you. _

His heart ached with the familiar feeling of hopelessness. Giving up could be so easy… just pop some pills and it would all be over… But he felt he owed Reed an explanation so Shane pulled out his phone again and texted back his soon to be ex-boyfriend, ignoring the text from Blaine.

_To: Reed Van Kamp (9:40 pm)_

_Reed… I've done something terrible. And once you find out… you're not going to want me anymore…_

Reed jumped at the sound of his phone receiving a text message. _Shane Anderson_, the screen read. Reed just about dropped his phone in his rush to read the text message. He was more worried about Shane and their relationship than ever before. Shane was sending cryptic texts that scared Reed out of his mind. The thought of losing Shane made Reed sick to his stomach and he ran to the bathroom before opening the newest text.

After safely closing the door behind him, Reed sat on the cold tile and read Shane's text message.

_From: Shane Anderson (9:40 pm)_

_Reed… I've done something terrible. And once you find out… you're not going to want me anymore… _

Reed sucked in a ragged breath. It felt like someone had punched him in the gut. _Shane did something terrible… And it's going to hurt me… _Reed thought to himself.

The artist's eyes stung with tears as he typed out a pained reply.

_To: Shane Anderson (9: 46 pm) _

_Shane, what's going on? What did you do? Why wouldn't I want you anymore? I LOVE you, Shane! Nothing you could do would hurt me! Unless you… Oh god, Shane. Please… tell me you didn't … _

Realization hit Reed like a solid brick wall. After pressing send, the small boy cradled the phone in his hands, waiting for the reply that could break him.

And a few minutes it did.

_From: Shane Anderson (9:49 pm)_

_I did… I'm so sorry._

A blow to the head would've hurt Reed less than the aching pains he was feeling in his heart now. He actually would have preferred a blow to the head- anything that would've stopped him from feeling so defeated, hopeless, unwanted, and worthless.

_To: Shane Anderson (9:51 pm)  
>I can't believe you would do this to me… I... I think… I can't be with you right now, Shane. I'm sorry… I need time.<em>

Reed didn't really register what he was doing until the sharp blade pierced the skin on his wrist and the intense pain made him gasp. He looked down and saw the red liquid pooling around the razor and dripping onto the floor.

This wasn't the first time Reed had cut himself. He had been cutting for a while now, until Shane came along. Once Reed met Shane, he stopped cutting. He felt safe, happy, and wanted with Shane. There was no reason for him to cut.

But now… With Shane cheating on him- Shane didn't even have to flat out say it, Reed knew- Reed felt more hopeless than ever, and the only escape he could think of was making the deep gashes in his skin.

Shane had made his way back to Dalton in a taxi, his phone buzzing the entire way with texts from Blaine. He didn't feel strong enough to actually go into Windsor and face his brother, so he settled for wandering around the darkened grounds.

_From: Blaine Anderson (10:37 pm) _

_SHANE ANDERSON. PLEASE PICK UP YOUR GODDAMMED PHONE. IF YOU DO ANYTHING… SHANE JUST PLEASE. DON'T DO THIS TO ME AGAIN. _

_From: Blaine Anderson (10:40 pm) _

_Okay, Shane, I'm sorry for yelling but I'm so worried about you! I can't go through the scare of losing you again, Shane. I just can't. Please. Just talk to me. _

Tired of the persistent text messages, Shane composed a quick reply to his brother as he sat down in the middle of one of Dalton's beautiful gardens. The darkness made everything look haunting as Shane fingered the pill bottle in his coat pocket.

_To: Blaine Anderson (10:42 pm)_

_Fine. If you want to talk, I'm in the garden closest to the Fine Arts hall._

Shane eyed the pill bottle in his hand and twisted the cap off in a swift movement. He dumped a large amount of small, white pills into his hand. He took one deep breath before shoving the pills into his mouth and swallowing.

Blaine's feet pounded down the stairs as he sprinted to the garden that was at least half way across the vast campus. He ran as fast as his legs could take him, desperate to make sure his brother was okay.

When he reached the garden, Shane was sitting on a bench, his head hung in shame. Blaine hurried over and flung his arms around his brother.  
>"Shane! Oh thank god you're okay! I was so worried about you!" Blaine choked back a sob and continued with a quivering voice. "I thought I was going to lose you forever…"<p>

A small, sad smile graced Shane's lips. "No, I'm still here."

Blaine was still worried about his brother, but he decided to change the subject to what made Shane act this way. "Um, Shane? What exactly is going on?"

Shane sighed and shook his head. "I had sex with Micah. I cheated on Reed. And I knew I was doing it, yet I did it anyway. I don't want to live with myself anymore, Blaine, I can't. Reed… he doesn't even want to be with me anymore. And I can't live without him, knowing I hurt him."

Shane felt a weight on his shoulder and looked up to see his brother's hand resting there. There were tears in his eyes as he spoke. "Shane… It'll all be okay. I _promise_ you. It will. You… can't… I need you, Shane. You can't leave me here, all alone…"

"Blaine, I… I'm not going to be around much longer… But I want you to know that I love you more than anything. Thank you for always being around when I needed you. You really are the best brother in the universe. Tell Kurt that he needs to take extra good care of you once I'm gone. Tell Reed I love him. I love you, Blaine. So much." Shane felt himself getting weaker, the pills finally taking affect.

"SHANE!" Blaine screamed, "NO! PLEASE, SHANE! YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULDN'T LEAVE ME. LAST TIME, REMEMBER? SHANE NO! I CAN'T LOSE YOU!"

Blaine's hear wrenching screams turned into body-raking sobs when the pill bottle clattered to the ground after Shane's body fell limp. He realized, too late, what his brother had done.

Scrambling for a phone, he screamed out for help. He dialed 911 with stumbling fingers.

"_Hello this is 911. What is your emergency?" _

"PLEASE! SOMEBODY HELP ME! MY BROTHER JUST TOOK A BUNCH OF PILLS AND HE'S NOT RESPONDING! Someone please help me! I can't lose him!"

Blaine proceeded to tell the operators his location, hoping they would get there soon enough to save Shane, even though he knew, in the back of his mind that Shane was already dead.

While Blaine was sitting in the waiting room with Reed, waiting for any news of Shane, a doctor came out of Shane's room carrying a small, crumpled piece of paper. "We found this in your brother's coat pocket and thought you should have it…"

He handed over the wet paper with ink so smudged it could barely be read.

"_If you're reading this… it probably means I'm dead, and for that I'm so, so sorry. But it's the only escape, and I had to take it. _

_Blaine, I love you SO MUCH. You're the best brother I could've ever asked for. So, please, don't beat yourself up over this. It wasn't your fault, it was mine. And I'm in a better place now. You'll be okay without me, I know you will. You're so strong, Blaine. You can do this. Thank you for everything. I love you. _

_Kurt, please, as my last wish, take care of him. He's going to need it. Take care of Reed too, please. Please. That's all I ask for. _

_Micah, I just want you to know that none of this was your fault. I really did love you when we were together, but having sex while I was with Reed was the biggest mistake I ever made. I love you and I'm so sorry._

_Reed… Reed. I don't know what to say… So I'll just say everything. It's the least I can do for you. Please, don't blame yourself for this, either. This was in no way shape or form, your fault. You made my life wonderful, and that's all I could've asked from you. I love you more than you will ever know, more than you could fathom. I'm so, so, so sorry I hurt you. That's what made me do this, to be honest. I couldn't live without you. But it's not your fault. It's not. You were the best boyfriend I ever had. I'm so sorry, love. I miss you already. I love you._

_-Shane Anderson_

"I'm so sorry, there's nothing we could do to save him."

The words ran full force into Blaine and Reed. Both of them collapsed into each other, mourning the loss of the boy who had meant the most to both of them.

The boys of Dalton Academy gathered around Shane's casket to say their final goodbyes.

Blaine spoke first, since Shane was his brother. He could barely choke out his words through the tears.

"Shane, you were… incredible. I don't think there was ever a better person on this earth. Yes, you made some mistakes in your life, but you were always exuberant. You were always concerned about others. I wish you would've considered leaving me here alone before you did this… but I don't blame you. I'm not mad. I hope you're happy, Shane. You deserve the best. I love you, little bro. I miss you."

Blaine delicately place a pink rose on Shane's casket and hugged Reed as he went up to give his final goodbyes to the only boy he'd ever loved- the only one he would ever love.

"I miss you, Shane. I miss you every day. I can't do anything that doesn't remind me of you, and I just miss you so much." Reed's voice broke as he thought about how Shane was really gone. How he would never get a hug from the curly haired dancer again. How they would never share another kiss. How they could never fall asleep next to each other again… "I'm sorry. I know you don't want me to blame myself, but I can't help it. You're… gone… and I was the reason you were so hurt. I'm so sorry, Shane. I miss you. I wish you were here to comfort me right now… I wish your arms were around me one last time… I just wish you were here. I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I'm sorry if you didn't know that… But I do. I'll always love you. I don't think I can ever love anyone else, Shane. It'll always be you. Goodbye, Shane. I love you."

Reed walked away from the casket, only to return with a canvas with a sheet thrown over the top, hiding the art underneath.

"Here- I want you to have it. It's the last painting I'll ever do… And it's of you. I miss you and I'm sorry…"

**AN: ** **I'm going to make a follow up of this where Reed is the one who commits suicide. Just so you all know. **


	2. Sing Me To SleepIll See You In My Dreams

**AN: Here's part two- the final part. I'm so sorry, Rane. **

**MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING: DO NOT READ IF SUICIDE IS A TRIGGER FOR YOU.**

Cinnamint. Reed tasted Cinnamint. The way Shane's mouth always tasted when they kissed. _Shane._

Reed's heart pounded painfully in his chest at the thought of Shane. His eyes fluttered open to reveal Shane. _What?_

Not only was Shane in Reed's view, his lips were pressed against the smaller boy's lips. _Sigh._

At first the kiss was soft, and gentle- familiar mouths mingling together for the first time in a long time. _Like we used to. _

Sweetness slurred into urgency- tongues battling for dominance. Sweaty bodies pulse together. _Gasp. Then, Ah! _

Strong arms wrapped around Reed's waist and pulled him close. "Shane." _Don't be stupid. He's gone. _

"Hello, love. I've missed you." Shane ruffled Reed's curls and closed the distance between them, kissing him softly on the head. _Never let go._

"Don't let me go. Ever. Please." _Never. _

"Shh, just let me hold you." _Stay._

_Stay. Don't go.  
><em>

Kurt awoke with a start, hearing Reed screaming at the top of his lungs. "SHANE! COME BACK! PLEASE! I NEED YOU."

It broke his heart to hear his best friend in such agony. "Shhh, shhh, Reed. It's okay. I'm here. You're okay."The countertenor stroked the top of Reed's head comfortingly, while the smaller boy clung to him, sobbing his heart out.

"I-I mi-miss him so mu-much, K-Kurt," Reed choked out. He felt like his heart was shattering, as it had every day since Shane's death.

"I know you do, Sweetie. But he's gone now… He's in a better place. There's nothing we can do…" Kurt's voice was low and soothing, even though his words stung like a blade.

"It's been six months, Kurt. Six months. And nothing has changed. I still want his arms around me. I still want him to kiss me goodnight. I still want to fall asleep with him. I want all of this more than I want anything…" Reed's sadness gained an edge. "I want him back, dammit! Give him back to me!"

Angry tears trickled down Reed's cheeks and he pushed Kurt away, wrapping his arms around himself.

"Kurt, I can't do this anymore. I need him back. I need to be with him." Reed was broken, and he couldn't hold the pieces of himself together.

The only thing Kurt could do was stare at his best friend, watching him fall to pieces in front of him. He desperately wished that he could do something to help, but nothing he could do would bring Shane back.

"Kurt, go back to sleep… I'll be fine. I just miss him, you know?" Reed wiped his eyes, lifelessly and pulled himself under the covers.

"We all miss him, Reed. But it's going to be okay, I promise."

"I hope so," came the muffled reply from under the sheets. "Hey, Kurt? You're still going back to Lima with Blaine tomorrow? Right?"  
>Kurt's voice was confused as he responded. "Yeah… Why? Did you want to come with us?"<p>

There was a quiver in Reed's voice as he responded. "N-no. Just wondering."

"Okay, Reed. You should try to get some rest. Do you want me to lie with you? I could just hold you while you sleep, try to keep the bad dreams away…" Kurt trailed off. "Only if you want me to…"

"Yeah, I'd like that."

Kurt climbed into Reed's bed and snuggled up close to him, holding him the way Shane used to hold him.

"I've got you… you're safe… I've got you… you're safe…" It was like a mantra, lulling Reed to sleep, as he tried to imagine that Kurt was Shane.

But no matter how hard he tried, Reed just couldn't forget the fact that Shane was gone. And would never be able to hold him like this again.

The next day, Reed walked up to Shane's grave, clutching a bag to his chest.

"Hi, Shane… I still miss you more than ever… and I can't stand it. I need to be with you again. I miss you so much it hurts."

Reed pulled out a bottle filled with a dusty looking liquid and hesitantly twisted the cap off. The water was filled with enough arsenic to kill him within 5 minutes. Long enough that he could die without anyone trying to stop him.

He took a moment to text Kurt before taking a swig.

_To: Kurt Hummel (2:32 pm) _

_I'm sorry I had to do this, Kurt. I missed him too much. I'm sorry… I love you. Thanks for everything._

The artist settled himself up against Shane's grave, his heart aching, eyes too dry to shed anymore tears.

"Shane, please tell me you'll be waiting for me when I get there. Please."

He lightly lingered his hand over Shane's name on the tombstone before downing the poison filled mixture and whispering, "I love you, Shane. See you soon."

Reed tried to sit up hazily, but immediately realized he couldn't. He was being restricted by tight arms around him, holding him close.

He closed his eyes painfully in defeat, not wanting to open his eyes and see the pristine white of a hospital room, or the perky yellow walls of his dorm room. A sad sigh escaped his lips and a second later, a pair of soft lips was pressing firmly against his.

Cinnamint.

Instantaneously, Reed opened his eyes and bolted upright.

"Shane!" he exclaimed, flinging himself into his lover's arms.

"Reed… I've missed you." A steady stream of tears was falling down Shane's cheek. "I thought I was going to have to wait 80 years to see you again…"

The boys were pressed as close together as was physically possible. Reed, with his head tucked into the crook of Blaine's neck, clung to him with everything he had.

"I couldn't be apart from you any longer. It killed me to live without you."

Shane closed his eyes and shook his head. "I'm sorry we ended up this way… even though I am happier now…"

"Don't be. We're together. And that's what matters."

"I love you more than anything, Reed."

"I love you too, Shane. More than you could ever know."

The lovers hugged for a while longer, their lips sealed together.

Finally, they broke apart, and walked towards the endless path of happiness, holding hands the entire way. They walked into eternity, together, were they would spend the rest of time wrapped up in each other's arms, never having to be apart again.

END

**IAN: I'm not this morbid all the time, I promise. **


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